Aging academics who are cruising to retirement are hoping to be drinking cocktails in Hawaii before they have to update their lecture notes to include the 4 newly discovered elements found by teams of researchers from the US, Russia, and Japan.
One secret insider said “I was busy looking at cruise options on the internet when I was told that I’d have to amend my lecture notes to account for the new elements. After careful consideration, I’d much rather not.” The announcement came shortly after the aging professor arrived into work at 11:36 am, spent 20 minutes talking about his golf handicap and then flirted with the admin lady for 10 minutes before getting food stuck in the corners of his mouth.
The bossy people at the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC), said that the new elements had to be named after these things:
- A mythological concept or character (including an astronomical object)
- A mineral, or similar substance
- A place or geographical region
- A property of the element
- A scientist
- A porn star
Unfortunately, RonJeremium (RJM) and JennaJamesonium (JJS) cannot be chosen because I made the last option up – but we can all agree that science would be more fun if it was included. After the names have been chosen they go up for public debate for five months. Here, people with nothing else to do can complain and write shit on the internet until, eventually, their opinions are ignored and IUPAC return to making up rubbish naming rules that don’t include porn stars or Disney characters.
 P.J. Karol, R.C. Barber, B.M. Sherrill, E. Vardaci, T. Yamazaki, Pure Appl. Chem. 88 (2016) 139; http://dx.doi.org/10.1515/pac-2015-0502
 P.J. Karol, R. C. Barber, B. M. Sherrill, E. Vardaci, T. Yamazaki, Pure Appl. Chem. 88 (2016) 155; http://dx.doi.org/10.1515/pac-2015-0501
 W.H. Koppenol, J. Corish, J. Garcia-Martinez, J. Meija, J. Reedijk, Pure Appl. Chem. 88 (2016) 401 ; online 21 Apr 2016; http://dx.doi.org/10.1515/pac-2015-0802