I hope that you have all had a lovely Christmas and New Year and have managed to avoid work emails and food poisoning. As universities across the globe start to wake up from their holiday-induced comas, we can look forward to 2017 and hope that we don’t die, so that 2017 will yield a bumper crop of papers and successful grant applications in order to feed the ever hungry supervisor’s CV.
Since nothing is more sciency than making claims about the future that no-one can dispute, here are my science predictions for 2017:
1. Someone will regularly do a massive, humidifying poo in the toilet near your office.
It is inevitable that the smell of fresh turds will waft from toilets, but 2017 will see a resurgence of the anti-flush movement you’ll remember from the late 90’s.
2. Universities will force staff to sit through day-long workshops about personal branding and marketing.
How are you meant to do research without money? You can’t. How are you meant to bring in money if you spend all of your time doing research? You can’t.
Bringing in money isn’t about promising the unachievable, it’s about making the unachievable seem like a promise with fancy marketing words that I don’t know because I haven’t done the workshop yet.
3. Vice Chancellor’s will get smaller to make novelty checks appear larger.
4. Grant applications will also include an X-factor style panel.
Nothing feels better than laughing at someone with a potential mental illness from the safety of an auditorium full of other people too scared to follow their dreams.
I hope I get to laugh at someone who has spent months writing a grant proposal only have their dreams dashed by Mel B from the spice girls.
5 Desperate for media attention, Universities will start leaking sex tapes of researchers fucking Kayne West.
So there we have it, folks. You heard it here first.