Aug 232017


You’ve seen them. You know, the headlines that claim that scientists are freaking out about some new scientific discovery or that they are clawing at their PPE when they read a new paper about aliens, God or bumholes.

This is what I’m talking about:

scientists freaking out
While these headlines may conjure the images of a room full of lab coat wearing nerds screaming into a fume cupboard or weeping silently behind their face shield I have only seen this once and it had nothing to do with the latest science news – I think it was something to do with their supervisor or whatnot…I can’t remember because I wasn’t really listening.

The real question is what would an actual real-life scientist lose their shit over?

I can tell you that it’s much more trivial than you’d ever feared from fully grown, educationally advanced adults. Here’s my short list of things to induce some awe-inspiring science rage that HR would send you an email about.

1. A dirty balance

This is so inexcusable that the person who does this deserves to have the balance fluctuate wildly while they are using it, forever.
If this is you, I want you to know that everyone bitches about you in the tea room and passive aggressive notes don’t go far enough to express our hatred of you.

2. Improper glove use

Gloves are an important part of the science world. They ensure that your samples stay free from contamination by sticky fingers and nose grease and they keep you safe from all of the nasty chemicals and biohazards in the lab. As always, humans have found a way to fuck up the simple action of using hand condoms.

One of the worst examples of glove use I found was in a vice documentary by US border force. My favourite bit was when they shook his hand, forever incriminating the journalist, and the bit where she wiped her nose – remember kids the best drugs are free drugs.

3. Someone fucking up the good tweezers

Unboxing new tweezers is like receiving oral sex from someone with really nice hair – as exciting as it is a treat for the eyes.

New tweezers represent your hopes and dreams for the future of your scientific research and it takes just one arsehole to drop them to ruin what you had planned for your beautifully engineered piece of hand candy.

4. Being told science requires as much faith as religion

The world outside the lab is just as scary as the piece of high-vacuum equipment from the 1960’s, just without the emergency kill switch.

Scientists spend their lives analysing testing and validating everything – including friends and family. So, when scientists meet a flat earther, anti-vaxxer or crystal healer you’ll have to pardon them because all the tests they’ve done up until that point predict they’re going to be a massive pain in the arse to talk to and a bit of a dickhead about everything.

If the scientists have had less than 2 drinks and managed to stay away from the cocaine tray, they will normally be nice to any non-science type and excuse themselves while rolling their eyes. However, it won’t stop them complaining about opinionated bustards in the car on the way home or dedicating a section of a blog post to them.

5. Donald Trump


Let me know what you would add the the list!

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