Oct 252016
happy Halloween

Halloween is just around the corner and it’s time for undergraduates around the world to cross their fingers, attend parties and hope someone gets drunk enough to kiss them on the lips and smush their genitals against theirs (stay safe). Of course, you can increase your chances of awkward genital fusion by spending a couple of days fabricating elaborate costumes to make you stand out from the crowd or you can follow my suggestions, below, and achieve the same result way easier.

Here are some easy to implement costume ideas that are guaranteed (word used in the same manner a cheap hygiene product uses it) to scare the shit out of any scientists in the room…oh, spooky.


Sexy Anonymous Reviewer

The Sexy Anonymous Reviewer is feared by every scientist, who doesn’t have an editor friend, at some point. The worst combination of opinionated, anonymous and sexy you’ll ever come across.

The costume:

fat suitblack morph suit opinion speech bubble black mini skirtred pen red wine glass


How to really pull off the character:

You’ll enter the room and hide at the edges. Every so often run into the middle of the room and write something mean on the table and demand that people to cite your work/papers to be allowed to go to the bathroom.

The Australian Government’s Sexy Commitment to Science

You are now a pile of meaningless words and awards nights. The Australian government is happy to tell scientists what they want to hear: “you’re the disruptors of the universe“, “science is important to the economy”, “science will make Australia the innovation nation”.  If you are doubting the governments commitment to science – here’s a shiny award.

The costume:

man and woman in a suitword cloudblack mini skirttrophies for people

How to really pull off the character:

Print of a massive version of the word cloud and staple it to your chest. Tell people everything they want to hear: “That’s a nice jumper, Terry”, “Your husband is definitely not having an affair, Donna”,  “We are committed to the ongoing funding of science” – you don’t have to mean a word of it and it is actually better if it’s all lies. If you feel like people are starting to not like you, think of your excellent job conditions and pension. Anyway, the next mob’ll deal with the actual problems.

Sexy Funding Outcomes

This spooky time of year nicely lines up with the scariest part of the year for many scientists. It’s the time of the year where outcomes of a number of important funding schemes, from various government funding bodies, are announced. Contract researchers from all over Australia are anxiously awaiting an unknown date to find out if they’ll be (un)employed for the next 1,2,3,4 years.

The costume:

clock with no hands    strange man in question suit  black mini skirtRejected stamp

How to really pull off the character:

You have to make everyone around you feel anxious. It’s easy to achieve. Say you’ve had a serious bout of gastro and then put your fingers on everything, cough on people and say that the voices in your head are nice today. Also, every time you mention time give an approximate answer, no more precise than the unit of months, for example, “What time will I be able to know if the project proposal that I spent the last 6 months working on and I’m relying on to feed my family is successful?”


Sexy Science Job Market

With science in Australia “booming” according to Malcolm Turnbull’s mum and favourite auntie. This costume is sure to scare every scientist in the room. You are the oversupply of highly qualified people with nowhere to go, well…except abroad (how’s your German?).

The costume:

black mini skirt  Graph of no hope for scientists

How to really pull off the character:

Sit in the corner and cry.

homer sitting in the corner and crying

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