Feb 072017
Ugly and unsatisfied at work? Surgery can help

YOU LOOK FABULOUS DARLING! And a little bit like an android… Bandaged faces and leaky wounds are one side effect of facial cosmetic surgery. Now researchers from Australia (Oi, Oi, Oi) have found one side effect that doesn’t make your friends throw up in their mouths – increased job satisfaction. Fear not you ugly fuckers. This […]

Jan 312017
Getting saucy: putting the flavour into sex and tomatoes

Dissatisfied people from every part of the globe are rejoicing as two teams of researchers have identified how to put the flavour back into two important aspects of life – tomatoes and sex. Although this week has been a fucking nightmare for the free world, two teams of researchers have tried to bring a little bit […]

Jan 242017
A scientific reason to have joined the Women's March on Washington

On Saturday, hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world marched in support of the Women’s March on Washington. Arts and craft stores for kilometers (US translation: miles) around the Washington area had sold out of A2 sheets of cardboard and thick, sign writing pens. The most popular pen colours were: “back-to-the-dark-ages” black, […]

Jan 172017
Universities: Stop shuffling around professors and employ ECRs, simple.

When you work in a university for long enough you start to notice a worrying trend: High (not the fun drug way) level professors are in a state of continuous flux, changing institution at the drop of a hat for a better offer elsewhere. The better offer is likely to include working at a more prestigious […]

Jan 102017
Empty lab syndrome: Where did the researchers go?

One thing that I’ve noticed during my 10 years in a moderately productive scientific career is that, over time, the laboratories have become less busy. I remember times, early in my PhD, having to elbow-fight for lab space on 1960’s style wooden benches. The labs looked like how an escape room business would furnish a murder mystery theme. […]

Jan 052017
Andy's Science Predictions for 2017

I hope that you have all had a lovely Christmas and New Year and have managed to avoid work emails and food poisoning. As universities across the globe start to wake up from their holiday-induced comas, we can look forward to 2017 and hope that we don’t die, so that 2017 will yield a bumper crop […]

Dec 202016
What do postdocs need to succeed?

Last week, while most young scientists were participating in awkward Christmas parties and celebrating the prospect of another 3-month contract extension, a publication was released which looked at the career aspirations and postdoctoral experiences in Australia. The question posed by the publication is “What do postdocs need to succeed?. The publication is co-authored by Margaret Hardy, […]

Dec 132016
It's science, just kinkier

Are you a powerful vice-chancellor just looking for a little down time whilst satisfying your urge for industry engagement? Do you feel the need to be treated like shit whilst wearing your university-branded gimp mask? Perhaps, you are into a little bit of needle play? Well, now you can satisfy all of your darkest desires in […]

Dec 062016
The race between solar cell efficiency and World War 3

As the catalyst for the next world war waits patiently in the draft message section of Donald Trump’s twitter account, the world can rest assured that academics are able to ignore imminent global destruction as well as they are able to ignore imminent unemployment. Considering the majority of tweeting is done from the privacy of a toilet, I take perverted solace […]

Nov 292016
Stop wanking in front of your dog. This is why.

As it turns out, our adorable and fluffy room-clearing-fart-friends share some of our mental ability when it comes to remembering and reenacting events. Besides providing a seemingly endless supply of turds and happiness, our poochy wet-nosed-companions are able to remember things even though they don’t know that they’ll be tested on it later – in this respect, […]

Nov 222016
A new way to combat the common fear of naked burglars

The Australian police have been called all sorts of things – sweaty rule-keeping bastards, koala-chasing law wankers, useless BBQ-eating fun spoilers, to list only three of the common ones. But this week, they have really shown their worth by solving an elaborate crime in Wodonga (definitely not a made up place). The koala-chasing law wankers investigated a robbery at the Wodonga community […]

Nov 082016
Racist or concussion? There's a test for that

As the US presidential battle comes to an end, we will soon be able to look back in awe at the sorts of commentaries provided by Trump supporters in the name of “Making America Great Again”. They were able to say all sorts of horrible things and get away with it. Unfortunately, in the land free speech, the […]

Nov 012016
Fuck the system - Lab rules every scientist wants to break

Occupational health and safety (OH&S) essentially provides science and research with unsolicited parental advice. That is, something you hate hearing, never really listen to but know you should’ve when things go wrong and you end up with gravel rash, bloody knees and snot running into your mouth. Every university has a dedicated OH&S Nazi who’s just itching […]

Oct 252016
The scariest science Halloween costumes

Halloween is just around the corner and it’s time for undergraduates around the world to cross their fingers, attend parties and hope someone gets drunk enough to kiss them on the lips and smush their genitals against theirs (stay safe). Of course, you can increase your chances of awkward genital fusion by spending a couple […]

Oct 182016
How to avoid pooing in your supervisor's office

Just like every job in life, science relies on people talking to each other while struggling to uphold the unwritten code of professional etiquette. This means you’re not allowed to openly call the other person a “self-serving fucktard”, but you are allowed to think it and smile whilst imagining what it would look like if you set their hair alight […]

Oct 042016
Unwritten lab rules...

Research science labs are full of little glassware empires and invisible bench space frontiers which, your sweaty gloved mits should never pass. Just like prison, you’ll need to learn the unwritten rules of the lab. Unlike prison, you don’t have to hide things in your bum or fight someone for their footwear, unless that’s your thing. […]

Sep 272016
A sweet $60k for free...

Look, it seems amazing, but there is an actual way to get free money from science. It will take a little bit of effort, but not nearly as much effort as killing your rich uncle and making it look like a natural death. By following my simple guide you’ll be a cool $60k better off […]

Sep 202016
Things that are more likely than securing an academic position

More and more scientists are becoming disenfranchised about the prospect of a long and rewarding academic career. It’s harder than ever to secure an academic position. Even academics are becoming annoyed with the prospect of staying in an academic career –  presumably because they looked in the mirror and saw what the physical effects of “success” looked like. I’ve […]